Munster and Ireland winger Keith Earls says he feels he was cheated from playing for former head coach Anthony Foley's memory.
Earls was speaking ahead of Ireland's November international clash with Australia, live on Sky Sports, at the Aviva Stadium on Saturday following his reinstatement to the starting XV.
Foley died suddenly aged just 42 on 16 October at Munster's Paris team hotel before a European Cup match with Racing 92 in the French capital.
Post-mortem tests subsequently revealed that the former Ireland skipper died of acute pulmonary oedema, a heart condition which caused fluid to build up in his lungs.
Munster faced Glasgow Warriors at Thomond Park just a week later to emotional and poignant scenes, but Earls received a red card after just 19 minutes for a tip tackle on Warriors hooker Fraser Brown.
"It was a massive game, it meant a lot to us," Earls told the Irish media. "It was a tough week in general, from burying your head coach and then an hour later doing a captain's run. It's just not right.
"I suppose the only thing I do apologise for - I don't apologise for anything else - is kicking the bottles on the side of the pitch. I wouldn't like to see a young lad doing that at underage or some young lad at Thomond Park.
"I suppose I've been waiting to be interviewed to apologise for that. I don't apologise for the rest of it.
"I spoke to Fraser Brown on the phone and I felt he could have done a bit more. Yes, I did lift his leg but I felt he could have done a bit more to save the impact.
"The way he went, I thought he was going for it a small bit, to be honest with you. I spoke to him and he said he was just trying to protect himself.
"I felt I was cheated really going off the pitch; they denied me an opportunity to put in a performance for my head coach and the Munster supporters, so I kind of lost it a bit coming off the pitch.
"It's a pity it's after taking our head coach to die for us to play the way he wanted us to play. That's the way it is."
Munster recovered to record a 38-17 bonus point victory over Glasgow that day and just two weeks later Ireland historically beat New Zealand for the first time in 111 years at Soldier Field in Chicago, an occasion Earls also missed due to suspension.
The 53-time capped international said his frustration did not spoil his enjoyment of such a success however, and the passing of his former coach has changed his outlook on rugby.
"It wasn't hard," Earls added. "I was thrilled, like every other person in Ireland. It was brilliant, but I suppose the thoughts 'I could have been out there' go through your head.
"I've learned now; maybe if I was younger I would have thought like that but it wasn't to be and that's it.
"I've taken rugby in a completely different way now because of Axel's death.
"I get to go home to my family every day.
"Rugby to me now… obviously, it's a massive part of my life but it's sport at the end of the day. That has really opened my eyes."
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