Former New England Patriots lineman Ryan O'Callaghan has opened up about his struggles to cope with being secretly gay while playing in the NFL.
In an interview with Out Sports, O'Callaghan, who retired in 2011, described in detail his struggles to come to terms with his sexuality after realising he was gay as a teenager while growing up in a conservative area of northern California.
He admitted he was ready to commit suicide at the end of his NFL career rather than be open and honest about his sexuality.
O'Callaghan, who was listed as 6ft 7in and 330lbs during his NFL career, took up football because he thought it was a way to hide who he really was.
"No one is going to assume the big football player is gay," he said. "It's why a football team is such a good place to hide.
"In high school, football turned into a way to go to college. In college football was a great cover for being gay. And then I saw the NFL mainly as a way to keep hiding my sexuality and stay alive."
Despite his reasons for taking up the sport, O'Callaghan excelled on the football field, blocking for close friend and current Green Bay Packers star Aaron Rodgers at Cal Berkley, before Patriots head coach Bill Belichick picked him in the fifth round of the 2006 draft.
O'Callaghan was cut by the Patriots in 2009 and was signed by the Kansas City Chiefs, where former Patriots executive Scott Pioli had been hired as general manager, but injuries derailed his career and caused him to become addicted to painkillers.
His addiction was costing him $400 (£315) per day and he began distancing himself from family and friends as he seriously contemplated how to end his life. He had even written a suicide note.
Throughout his football career, in both college and the NFL, he had spoken with his mother "every day or at least every other day" but that all stopped. He thought that would make it easier for her to cope after he was gone.
"I was abusing painkillers, no question," O'Callaghan explained. "It helped with the pain of the injuries, and with the pain of being gay. I just didn't worry about being gay when I took the Vicodin. I just didn't worry.
"I started spending all my money to put myself in a position where it would be impossible, or at least extremely difficult, to back out of killing myself."
Head trainer for the Chiefs, David Price, noticed O'Callaghan acting erratically and suspected painkillers had become a serious problem. He sent him to see Susan Wilson, a clinical psychologist who worked with the Chiefs, and, after extensive counselling, she eventually got him to open about the root of his problems.
"All I had ever done was think how bad the reaction would be," O'Callaghan said. "It takes a lot more strength to be honest with yourself than it does to lie. It took a while to build up that strength to even tell her. You have to build up trust with someone. Just telling her was like a huge weight off my shoulders."
O'Callaghan subsequently found the strength to be open about his sexuality with his family and friends. His former Cal team-mate Rodgers was among many to offer support.
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